i'm obviously missing the "bride" gene
April 06, 2008
A co-worker of mine, who tied the knot back in September, just recently got her wedding album back from the photographer. After flipping through photo after photo of her in her pretty white dress, I asked offhandedly how much the whole she-bang had set her and her honey back.
She shrugged nonchalantly and said, “I don’t know…just over ten thousand maybe…”
I almost choked on my sandwich. Like fucking Mamma Cass.
Ten thousand? As in ten thousand dollars? Are you fucking kidding me?
Don’t get me wrong…the ceremony and the reception hall looked quite breathtaking, and the photographer obviously captured all of it very well…but good lord…
The dress alone cost her $300. For a fucking DRESS. A dress that will, most likely, only be worn once and then shoved in the very back of the closet in a dust sack and dragged out again in about 25 years after she has gained at least forty pounds and could no longer fit into the damned thing even if she had to. Of course, this will lead to tears and yo-yo dieting and therapy.
Why not just save the ten thousand dollars for marriage counseling? Odds are, after 5 or 10 years, the dress and that piece of wedding cake gathering fuzz up in the attic aren’t going to be offering any sage advice.
Why do women DO this?
No one who attends your wedding really gives a shit if your cake has three layers with three different kinds of icing and rose petals. No one gives a flying fuck if your napkin rings match your table cloth or if your centerpieces complement the groom’s cufflinks on his rented tuxedo.
Weeee! My colors! They are coordinated!
And if anyone DOES care about such trivial shit, then you should buy them a rum and coke at the open bar at the reception and then have one of the groomsmen escort them into traffic. Maybe, if they are lucky, a Mercedes Benz will put them out of their misery, and then you can decorate the cake at their funeral with the hood ornament of the luxury car that flattened them.
Only the best for you, my friend.
