metal & mayhem
August 26, 2006
Life is a pattern. I truly believe that the powers that be have this whole thing planned out from beginning to end, always knowing what’s going to happen and when and why. So either way, everything is for the best, right? The world fits together too perfectly to not have some sort of meaning to it.
Sometimes I confuse myself.
Which is why, sometimes…I just need to have a drunken night out on the town.
Last night, Linda and I went out to a local bar to watch the metal bands play. A few of our buddies from high school (including Linda's high school sweetie) are in one of the bands, and I thought it would nice if we showed them some support at one of their live shows. So I got to catch up with some old friends, drink some beer, play some pool, rock my drunk ass out, and get lots of hugs.
Linda’s friend Kevin came along with us. Which was fine…but he’s got this major crush on her. She’s got a boyfriend, but the two of them flirt like illicit lovers. It was sort of cute…but seemed wrong somehow. But it’s none of my business. I’ve learned not to stick my nose into other peoples’ private affairs.
Speaking of private affairs….or, in this case, NOT so private affairs…I think I’m still really pissed off by the whole M thing. It’s hard for me not to be. It really hurt me…and depending on who I’m with and how intoxicated I am at the time, I tend to get a little stupid. I talk a lot of shit, but I don’t mean half of it. I don’t want to start shit, and yet…I do. I have this burning urge to get back at him, and yet another part of me just wants to forget the whole sordid ordeal. And what’s worse is that the whole bar scene is his stomping ground, so I’m just not sure what kind of mess I’m getting myself into. Am I just going to end up hurting myself all over again or what?
I want to forget him…but at the same time, I think it would be nice to make peace with him. It’s just that I know that’s most likely never going to happen. And that makes me angry. It’s a vicious cycle. I try to be nice, but I end up being a total bitch. Of course, he’s not much better. He told Annette not so long ago that he wanted to talk to me again…but he never did and just treated me like a dog when I got up the nerve to say something to him.
We’re still just two fucked up kids, I guess.
And anyway…is he really the kind of person I need in my life right now? Everything is finally settling down and going well. I don’t want things getting screwed up again.
Maybe in time I’ll put the whole ordeal behind me. We’ll see… I just wish I didn’t have such a big fucking mouth when I get drunk. I don’t even remember what I said last night, but I’m sure it was nasty, and if the wrong people heard it, what kind of stupid high school drama is this shit gonna cause?
And Blue-Eyed Boy still has me slightly insane. I may never get over that one.
Maybe I should just stay away from men for awhile and concentrate on my work.
The writing thing is going well. Once Stefanie finishes up the cover art, the new book’ll be good to go. I can’t wait to read again at the next open mic. I loved doing it so much more than I thought I would. And what’s more…people actually *PAID ATTENTION* to me! That’s not something I’m used to. One of the girls that was outside told me I had a very commanding voice when I read. I’ve never really thought of myself as having a strong presence before, but that felt good to hear.
It’s nice to be complimented on something other than my eyes or my skin or my hair or my body…things that genetics are pretty much responsible for…things that have virtually nothing to do with talent of any kind. I don’t even pay attention when people, especially guys, tell me I’m pretty anymore. It used to be nice to hear, but I’ve become a bit cynical when it comes to those sorts of superficial comments. Now it’s pretty much like, ‘Oh yeah, I’m pretty…so that means you’re trying to get me into bed…’ or ‘Yeah, I’m pretty…so what do you want from me?’
I spent a good part of my childhood feeling ugly. Not that I’m whining about it. It’s just a fact. I was really awkward back then. Everyone has that “awkward phase” right? Well, mine lasted from the time I was nine until I was about, oh I don’t know…nineteen. That’s ten years of being told by other people (not my family) that I was fat and ugly and too boyish to amount to anything much. So I relied on my talent to get people to notice me.
And then when I lost weight and grew my hair out and started wearing makeup and really taking care of myself, people started seeing me as “attractive” and I sort of put my talents on the backburner, which in retrospect was a dumb thing to do. I was just so excited to finally “fit in” that I just let myself fizzle into a creative slump where I stayed for perhaps the last two or three years.
Now I’m finally in a place where I feel comfortable enough with myself to be what I think I was meant to be, both personally and creatively…which I guess are not really interchangeable. After all, one always affects the other in some way.
I’m not a movie star knockout girl…but I like the way I look. I'm finally okay with it, even the excess baggage.
I’m no Sylvia Plath…but I still think of myself as a good writer.
I may get there yet. Wherever *THERE* is….
