i lose again
August 28, 2007
D informed me last night that he no longer wants anything to do with me. He accused me of liking to “tell stories.” I don’t even know what he meant by that. I’ve been wracking my brain and trying to figure it out…but I can’t.
I feel stupid. I feel like I should just “know” what’s wrong, but the truth is that I don’t. I have no clue, and no matter how long I sit and go back through the conversations I’ve had with various people, I cannot for the life of me think of anything that would make him angry like that. Unless someone took something the wrong way or exaggerated in some way. But I’m still drawing a blank. I don’t get it.
I’m so depressed right now, I feel like somebody came along and ripped my skin off and took all my bones away with them. I can’t eat, can barely sleep. I came home around midnight and slept from then until 2AM. I have that empty, gnawing feeling in my gut. I probably have an ulcer the size of Montana.
I can’t deal with this again. I really can’t.
He’s walked away from me once before…for something else that I didn’t really “get.” I was sad at first, and even though I still thought about him a lot, I was slowly getting better. Until I ran into him on Memorial Day weekend at the supermarket and we ended up making amends three weeks later. I got all stupid again…but then, so did he.
And then everything was great.
Until November, when I got pissed off and told him I wanted him to leave me alone.
We didn’t speak or even see each other for four months. Everyone thought I was doing so great and “getting over it” but I wasn’t really. Inside, I was still a total mess. I missed him like crazy. I thought about him every single day. I checked the license plate of every silver sports car and every yellow pick-up truck I saw.
So, in March, we started talking again…
Then, there was the whole thing with that chick from Ohio…whom I’m not really even sure actually existed…but that’s beside the point. I put myself into the hospital with that one…so I was back and forth…back and forth. Big, fucking rollercoaster. And we all know how that turned out.
We finally saw each other at the beginning of August. It felt so good to lay in his arms and just be near him...and I was on fucking cloud 9 for one whole week.
And now this shit. Everything was fine. It was fine. I don’t know what the fuck happened. I really don’t. I don’t know what he’s talking about…or who he talked to…or what was said…or anything. He neglected to tell me any of that. So, I have no idea. There is nothing to be mad about. The only thing I’ve ever told anyone is that I love him. Is that a bad thing? Is there something wrong with me admitting that to another human being all of a sudden??
My friends are telling me to “let it go”…”fuck him…you an do better…”
Yeah, probably…but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard.
We’ve known each other for five years. FIVE fucking years! This is why I don’t understand why he didn’t just come to me and ask ME about it. Why did he just assume whatever and treat me like I’m some piece of shit? Because now I feel like shit.
I haven’t been crying much, though. I think I’m beyond that. Actually, I don’t feel much of anything except that deep, burning pain in my gut. I call it a “dread knot” because it’s that feeling you get when you know that it’s not going to get better…that you’re not going to hear any good news anytime soon.
I don’t get this. I really don’t. But I shouldn’t be surprised. This is what always happens. Always. Doesn’t matter that I didn’t fucking do anything. This is almost exactly what happened with M.
What the hell am I supposed to gain from this? Is this some kind of lesson? And, if so, exactly what is the lesson I’m supposed to be learning here? Why does this shit keep repeating? I don’t do anything wrong…and this always happens. I don’t understand.
I just want this horrible pain to go away. It’s heavy, and I’m sick of carrying it around with me. If I wasn’t so shit-scared of pain, I probably WOULD shoot myself in the head, just to have some fucking peace for once.
I’m so sick of this. I’m tired of being treated this way. I don’t deserve this…and I know that…so why do I feel like I’m a bad person and I deserve this on some insane, karmic level?
Probably because I’m a woman. Maybe I’m not so proud to own a vagina anymore..
