you've come a long way baby
September 20, 2007 (b)
Today, I did something I do very rarely— I dressed up. To go to a job interview. For, what else? A part-time sales girl at a semi-local novelty store.
Yes, you read that right.
Novelty. As in porn.
Well, not just porn, really.
There’s porn…but there is also the colorful, jelly-coated and ever-intoxicating realm of vibrators, lubricants, condoms, naughty lingerie…and other happy things.
I digress…
Anyway, after I got off the phone with Stefanie, whom I had not spoken to for at least a week…(which meant that it was time to catch up on girly things)…the woman from the novelty place called me and asked me to come by for a quick little q&a session. Yay…so I hopped in the shower, shaved, scrubbed under my dirty, dirty warehouse-worker fingernails, and washed the mane. I toweled off, blow-dried my hair and wriggled my sweet ass into a slinky black wrap dress. Put on a little makeup, strapped on some clicky high heels, and it was go time.
The interview itself was pretty uneventful. I answered the obligatory job-interview type questions, which surprisingly for a novelty store, did not differ so much from being interviewed for my warehouse job.
So, have you used this kind of equipment before?
Mmmm, yes…
Okay, so that wasn’t one of the questions, but maybe it should’ve been. Some people…mainly men…seem to have no idea what sort of hardware is required to invoke the female orgasm fairy.
I love watching husbands and boyfriends trying to shop for toys and things for their women…sulking behind the mannequins and trying to act all nonchalant so that the sales girls won’t think they’re creepy perverts.
By the way, guys…that doesn’t work.
We will laugh at you.
We will make fun of you.
And if you try to hide, we will find you and offer to give you a demonstration so that you can see exactly what it is that the (in)famous Japanese Rabbit Pearl does that you will never ever (not even in your wildest fantasies of unparalleled virility) be able to achieve.
Ha Ha Haa!
Um, yeah…so the interview went okay. I honestly think I might have an ice cube’s chance in hell, though, simply because I have very limited retail experience. The only thing I’ve got going for me is my enthusiasm, which the woman who interviewed me seemed to enjoy… Well, that and my sparkling personality and rapier wit. Who could say no?
On my way home, I stopped at Sheetz to get a cup of coffee because, yes, I happen to enjoy the watered-down horror that is gas station coffee.
So, I had just pulled into a space up front, and was fiddling with my keys and my purse when I happened to notice that there were a couple REALLY HOT guys sitting on the bench outside.
I was feeling good and confident. Probably because I was wearing a push-up bra and ass-enhancing high heels. And, though I am not normally the type to jump through hoops to gain a guy’s attention, I like it when I am noticed. I like being checked out…by age-appropriate young men with full sets of teeth and no criminal records.
I slid out of the car, took a moment to adjust my heaving bosoms, and started inching in for the kill.
That’s it, girl…heel to toe, heel to toe, one foot in front of the other for maximum hip swivel. Work what your momma gave you! After all, these are not the hips and boobies of the average white girl.
One of the hot twenty-something (YES!) guys turned and looked my way. He got a smile on his face…And he had a full set of teeth. (SCORE!!) He gestured toward me with his bottle of coke. So, his buddies turned to look at me also.
FUCK! I’m not supposed to actually SEE you checking me out! NO! This is NOT how this WORKS! Don’t you know that??
You are supposed to watch me while I strut on by and ogle my hindquarters appreciatively and do your whole hand gesture/gross air-humping, male-bonding thing while I ignore you and walk out of your young lives in single-minded pursuit of the goodness of coffee as though you never even existed in my hot little world!
At that moment, I lost the rhythm in my step and my hips were no longer swiveling in a wicked, enticing manner. I became “walking dumb…” It was really quite pathetic.
Now, you know, I like to appear all self-confident and 100% in control when I am out and about, but the truth is…I grew up being the fat, nerdy girl all through school. I buried myself in books. I spent my lunch periods in the library playing Dungeons & Dragons and Magic: The Gathering with all the geeky guys.
I was a marching band nerd who barely fit into her uniform.
Some days, I look in the mirror and I am surprised to not see that fat, dispairing and lost little girl looking back at me. She’s there in my eyes sometimes, though.
I am almost twenty-five years-old.
I lived in the body of that geeky girl a lot longer than I have lived in the body of this smart, sexy, witty, and sometimes even somewhat confident creature I have morphed into over the past three years.
So it’s still a little hard for me to believe that when a guy looks at me and finds me attractive, that he is at all sincere in his admiration of my physical charms…that, you know, he actually sees a pretty girl who he wants to get to know better…rather than the lump of fat who was hardly ever awarded a second glance by anyone.
I hope it doesn’t always feel this way…like being forever stuck with the mindset of this fat, insecure 13 year-old girl.
The girl who can now wear a sexy little black dress and strappy heels out in public and feel like a real hot tamale on the good days.
But who, nonetheless, gets tripped up by the obvious and simultaneous admiration of three ridiculously gorgeous guys.
At least I didn’t fall on my sexy ass…
Maybe they would’ve run to help the pretty girl up. Who knows? *evil grin*
