Welome to the Boy's Club: A Girl's Guide to Effectively Embarrassing Yourself in Front of Your Male Co-Workers and Gaining Access to Awesomeness
October 13, 2007
Method 1: While at lunch table with Best-Work-Buddy and Smokin’ Hot Co-Worker, let slip the loudest, rankest fart you have ever released in your entire life, a fart that echoes throughout the near-empty breakroom and makes the plastic covers on the vending machines shatter like the windshield of Dale Earnhardt’s legendary #3 car. Let that methane gas go flying. Do not perform near open flame.
Outcome: Laughter and lots of it from all involved. Be sure NOT to place hand over mouth and giggle like a school girl. Fake nonchalance. You are too fucking cool for this room. And maybe even too stinky…
At this point, you should have by-passed the velvet rope and suddenly found yourself directly in the heart of the Boy’s Club. You are cool, ‘cause you’re not a priss. The boys dig you. Smokin’ Hot Co-Worker will surely invite you to be the bearer of his babies. (Or not…)
Method 2: Entertain yourself thoroughly with dirty fantasies of rough and tumble monkey love sessions with Smokin’ Hot Co-Worker, so thoroughly in fact that you answer a question posed by your supervisor with a response akin to “seven” when a more appropriate (and correct) answer would have been something along the lines of “garlic chicken.” At least have the grace and good manners to appear sheepish when your supervisor informs you that humping the equipment during business hours does nothing to increase productivity. So you really need to knock it off and pay attention.
Outcome: VIP access to the Boy’s Club. While your mind has been skimming and putting to good use the finer details of the kama sutra, you have been givin’ some serious sex eyes. Plus, the boys have seen you humping things. In their minds, this = awesome.
Method 3: As you are attempting to wash your hands at the sink in the breakroom, accidentally cover the faucet with your hand and spray a stream of cold water all over yourself. Bonus points if you do this on a cold autumn day. When co-workers ask you what happened, respond with a snarky, “I’m lactating! Fuck off!!”
Outcome: Hopefully…laughter. Your Boy’s Club membership has been upgraded to Gold Status. Why? They can see your bra through your wet t-shirt. Oh…and if it’s a cold day, your nipples are probably hard as well. Count on someone to point this out to you at the first opportunity.
Method 4: At the beginning of your work day, accidentally snag your shirt on something sharp and rip a hole in the fabric big enough for everyone within a mile radius to catch an eyeful of boobage and the aforementioned bra. This method is even more effective when followed by a hot pink blush creeping up your torso and into your cheeks, some saucy laughter and a little stripper-esque bump and grind while struggling to hold your tattered clothing together long enough to seek shelter.
Outcome: Your Boy’s Club membership status? Platinum, baby! Now all of your co-workers know that you wear lacy black undergarments under those blue collar clothes of yours.
Watch your dignity pack her bags and leave for Jamaica. The ship has sailed, honey. Wave goodbye.
