Wal-Mart...domestic terrorism at its best
December 31, 2007
Today, I wake up to find myself paying a severe price for all of my Christmas naughtiness. By “paying”, I mean gastro-intestinally…
I’ve been eating chocolate and *gasp* processed food. Somebody please stop me before I start snacking on aluminum cans like a nanny goat.
Last week was a looong week. Lots of overtime. Again. My hands are acquiring calluses, and my fingers are so dry, they are splitting at the tips, and it is unspeakably painful. I’ve invested in some heavy duty Gold Bond moisturizer. This is serious, people. I normally do not touch Gold Bond anything. It smells like old people. I smell like my 92 year-old grandmother.
Last night, I went to Wal-Mart with Nettie.
Wal-Mart is the root of all evil in America. This is where it all begins. These are the fluorescent-lit halls in which the war on the middle class was planned and executed. This is where American culture goes to die…among the aisles of imported Chinese textiles and lead-painted children’s toys.
This is the place where some of the rudest, most disgusting, pathetic examples of human life crawl to out of the darkness of rural America. Never have I seen so many retarded people gathered in one place.
Before you can even get inside the store, you may have the misfortune to become acquainted with the people who are too lazy to walk their shopping carts the extra…oh, I don’t know…50 FEET…to put their cart into the metal cage that was designed to keep THEIR fucking cart from becoming too closely acquainted with the fresh paint on MY fucking car.
And then there are the cell phone people. Too busy chatting to realize that they are on a collision course with ME. And I am NOT moving. MOTHERFUCKER! And then, when they get all up close and personal with my boobies and are finally able to disentangle themselves from my cleavage, they don’t even have the grace to say they are sorry. And they ARE sorry, goddamnit!
Oh and let’s not forget the group of people who are particularly adept at pushing my worn-down (and heretofore maintenance-requiring) buttons…
For you see, I am like a Marine. I like to have my list ready…check once, check twice…get the fuck in…get my shit….get the fuck out. No lollygagging. No bullshit. Get the fuck out of my way, old woman…I don’t care if you’re 97 and your left hip is cracked in 37+ places. Goddamnit, I want to see you flying!
I’m referring, of course, to the people who wander aimlessly through Wal-Mart as though they have never before set foot into the store a day in their fucking lives. THEY ARE ALL EXACTLY THE SAME! There are no surprises to be found here. Trust me on this. If the aisle is labeled DOG FOOD…then, motherfucker, that’s what is going to be there… You are not going to find any crystal Tiffany lamps hidden behind the fifty-pound bag of Alpo, so fucking MOVE YOUR ASS!
I’d be willing to wager that these are the same people who go to McDonald’s and stare at the menu as though they have 1.2 operating software inside their thick little skulls…processing and re-processing until you can smell the lean calories burning, just like a jeep with its back tires stuck in the mud…
Are you retarded? Really, are you? I’m serious… Here, let me give you something to help wipe that drool off your chin, you asshole.
If you are taking up my time or inconveniencing me in any way…you are murdering me, very slowly. This is five minutes of my life I will never get back. This is five minutes of time I do not get for myself. You have a very tiny knife, and you are plunging this knife into my chest cavity over and over, and yeah it stings a little bit, and it was all cool at first, but now I just want to grab you by the back of your neck, rip that fucking cellphone out of your hand and jam it up your ass so far that you will be farting free ringtones for a year.
Hmmm…it seems this has become a rant.
What I really meant to write about was how I found some cute new underwear.
This so much more satisfying…and a step closer to getting back to those “real” entries I promised….
Happy New Year's Eve, everyone!
