echo struggles to leave narcissus behind
January 13, 2008
I want to thank everyone who voted over at The Wedding Guide. It means a great deal…to me, as well as to those who organized the contest, I imagine.
The Boyfriend and I went out to a late movie on Friday and saw The Orphanage, which was a fantastic movie to be sure, but marketed completely wrong…sort of how Lady In The Water was a mis-matched marketing disaster…and suffered wrongly because of it.
It’s not what I would call a horror movie, which is how it has been portrayed in its advertisements. Very atmospheric, and definitely creepy and disturbing…and this may have garnered it the title of “horror movie” back in the day when “horror” was more psychological than gore…but certainly not 2008 slash and hack-type horror. Not the sort of horror movie that appeals to teenagers these days. In fact, a group of kids actually walked out in the middle of the movie grumbling about how “boring” it was and how they “wasted” their money on crap.
This is why I hate kids. Hell, I hated kids when I was a kid, so some things never change, I suppose.
It is so weird getting used to sleeping with someone else in the same bed. I did much better this time, though…I think I only woke up twice in an 8-hour time span…and even then, that was only because I have severe carpal tunnel and my hand was going numb.
There is so much to get used to. But “yay” for functional relationships. I’ve never had one of those. All of mine have been quite strange and twisted, but have nonetheless provided me with a few inappropriate giggles, vital learning experiences and have become endless sources of writing material.
Go me…reaping triumph from tragedy. Hell, even the poem that has brought me to the finals of a poetry competition was written for a total idiot…but at least I felt strongly enough to make it good.
Speaking of idiots, Nettie told me that D asked about me again…how am I?…does she talk to me a lot?…etc. etc.
To be completely honest, I have to say it troubles me. Not because I’m worried about me crumbling and letting him hijack my life and good sense again— that will NEVER happen— It’s just that I still think about his relationship with his sister and the way her life ended and how that must have affected him to have him using words…according to Nettie…that I have never in 4 years of knowing him would have ever associated with him or even thought for a second would find their way into his vocabulary.
It’s a retarded thing to think about. Really, it is. But if someone affects your life so powerfully as to completely change the way you see yourself and your outlook on life…does any of that ever go away?
I don’t think so… And I really don’t think it should.
After all, one should never forget the things that make one who they are and shape their life for better or worse. There are always lessons to be learned, and if those lessons are simply filed away and catalogued like some huge mess…wouldn’t you think one would be doomed to make the same mistake again?
I try to keep all the “bullshit” someplace at the forefront of my mind these days so I don’t suffer some sort of relapse. I’ve dealt with plenty of those in the past…strings of guys who could have basically been the same person over and over. And then there’s D…whom I still cannot fathom or make sense of.
Maybe that’s what intrigues me so much about him.
But after having a long discussion with Stefanie in which we reasoned he totally fits the profile of a narcissist, I suppose that makes it a personality disorder…something that cannot be changed. A defect. Or is it something that is developed gradually over time and can be eventually stripped away?
Doubtful.
I need to let it go. I’ve got a great guy in my life whose objective is to give me the world. What more could I want? What more have I EVER wanted?
Most girls dream of their wedding day when they’re young. I never even considered the wedding. I just wanted to fall in love and have someone love me back. I wanted one of those epic love stories. I wanted desperately to be the center of someone’s world.
Now that I’m older, it’s more about finding someone to build a life with. A competent, non-psycho who I can rely on and feel good coming home to at night and still feel free enough to be able to accomplish my other life goals.
I think I may be in luck this time. It feels good. It really does.
