this shit is bananas
May 03, 2008
Yesterday, I had many errands that needed running.
Firstly, there were some last minute items I needed to pick up for the great VACAY ’08. And I had to get passport photos taken (for a completely unrelated trip). So, where did I unwisely choose to go to fulfill both of my needs in one fell swoop on a Friday afternoon?
Wal-Mart. Or Satan’s Ass Crack. Whichever you prefer.
Damn you Wal-Mart! Damn your low prices and 24-hour convenience! Damn you!
The photo place was closed at the first Wal-Mart I visited. Probably for lunch, or some other such nonsense.
You people don’t need to eat. You sit in a cubicle and take photos of slobbery children all day. That is NOT work. This does not warrant a full-hour lunch, okay? Try throwing heavy boxes around for 10 hours a night. Sweetie, even I do not get a full hour for lunch. Fuck you, you pansies!
I digress…
Anyway, I decided to go elsewhere. On to the next Vestibule of Hell, right down the Interstate.
This Wal-Mart did not have a photo place. I thought they ALL had photo places. Okay, fuck you, Wal-Mart. Really, fuck you.
So, instead of wallowing in my defeat, I purchased the other crap I needed and made my way to the registers up front.
Most of the registers were occupied and very busy. Busy meaning that there were customers who had no less than three cartloads full of groceries each. Of course, it is the beginning of the month. I guess they all got their Well-Fare checks in the mail at the same time.
So, I headed for the Speedy Check-Out line. There are four of these. They are for people with 20 items or less…AND NO ONE ELSE! I did not see anyone really breaking this rule, which is a rare thing in instances such as this. I was pleased. All of the lines seemed to be moving pretty swiftly, so I picked one and commenced with the waiting.
I should now tell you that I am cursed. Really, I am. For you see, any line I step into at virtually any store is immediately fated to become the “Retard Line.” This line begins to move freakishly slow, and the people in line ahead of me…well, let’s just say that their brains completely cease to function. This includes the cashier who now begins to thoroughly examine each and every piece of produce that presents itself to her as though she has never seen anything quite like it before.
Tell me ma’am…what is this? Oh, a banana! Why, I have never seen one before! It is so yellow…and miraculous! Miraculously yellow!
Speedy Check-out is an oxymoron. There were two people in line ahead of me. It took me twenty minutes to get out of there. I thought I was going to pull all of my newly-highlighted hair out of my head.
After leaving Wal-Mart number two, I hopped back on the Interstate and made a bee-line for Wal-Mart number three. This one had a photo place. And it was open! Hooray!
Ten minutes later, I had passport photos in my hand…but it was after four and every government building for miles was closed. So no completed passport application for me quite yet, I’m afraid. I’m shooting for Monday. At this rate, I might have the damned thing by next Christmas.
On a brighter note, I have a poem included in the forthcoming 2008 Arsenic Lobster anthology. It should be available in July sometime.
Gotta jet. There is some serious clothing shopping to be done today.
