on poetry and being an asshole
August 01, 2008
First and foremost, I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who commented on my last borderline-psychotic entry. I felt like I was having a breakdown, and everyone gave me advice and kind words that served me well through the rest of that week. And I really appreciate it. I needed to hear those things. They kept me sane. Or at least as sane as can be expected.
The August issue of Contemporary American Voices has been released. In it are three of my poems, as well as poems by featured poet, Jéanpaul Ferro and 2 other major poetic talents who everyone should really get to know.
Now would be a good time to mention that I hate the word “poetry.” Everyone writes “poetry.” It’s trendy, I guess.
I once read a poem by Charles Bukowski that made fun of the fact that everyone and their brother wrote poetry and how stupid it all was. I guess it annoyed him, too.
This entry would probably be far more eloquent if it wasn’t 7am and I hadn’t been up since 1pm yesterday afternoon.
Somehow, I managed to get off work an hour and a half early, and I went out to breakfast with Jesus Boy. We talked about many things…some of which, of course, concerned God and Christianity and his epic tale of “getting saved”…which I can honestly say I didn’t really mind. I must have been in a tolerant mood this morning. Usually, talk of anything religious raises my hackles, especially when the person I am speaking with is a devout follower.
Ironic, considering that my father taught the men’s Bible class at our family church and was practically a preacher. I looked up to him more than anyone in my family…and I have tremendous faith in God…but I can’t bring myself to discuss my beliefs rationally with anyone. Maybe because I feel that I have to defend my open-mindedness when it comes to other religions and beliefs that differ from the mainstream…unless, of course, I’m speaking with another tolerant, open-minded individual. And, believe me, a lot of people claim to be open-minded…and many fall short.
Anyway, back to Jesus Boy… He actually helped me make sense of my presently jumbled thoughts…and even though I’m still on the fence about a lot of things, he made me see my situation in a different light. Probably easier for him since he’s not directly involved.
I feel like an asshole lately…
I mean, I’m spending today with my boyfriend. Practically, the entire day and night. But tomorrow night, I’m going out with one of my work colleagues. Who happens to be a guy. Who is not gay. And has a reputation as quite a lustful character, shall we say. Not that I’m planning on hooking up with this guy…whom I shall refer to henceforth as Cocky Bastard. He is not my type at all. Far too arrogant for my taste, insensitive…pushy, shady…oh, and did I mention arrogant?
Why am I going out with him, you ask?
He’s funny. And clever, to a certain degree. And can be fun to talk with. He’s easygoing and laid back for the most part, and hopefully he will not try to get into my pants…which is something that Jesus Boy warned me not to be surprised about if he decides to give it a shot.
Yeah, well…Not gonna happen.
Somewhat worried that Boyfriend will have issues with my little outing. Hopefully not. But I’m not going to lie and say I’ll be hitting the town with one of my girlfriends. I’m not that kind of girl. I want to be honest and let him know that I’ll be spending the evening with a male companion who is utterly straight and compulsively horny. Oh God…how does one have this sort of conversation?
I’m hoping he’ll gradually be able to get used to the fact that I have male friends. Who are straight. And who I don’t wanna sleep with.
But there’s also this nagging fear that my relationship with Boyfriend is not really what I’m looking for. I DO love him, but I’m still uncertain that I love him in an entirely romantic fashion. Does that make any sense?
And, to make matters worse, I’m kind of digging on somebody else. Someone who isn’t even a possibility and would probably never be interested in someone like me in a million years. Am I selling myself short? Am I just settling? What if I end our relationship to chase after rainbows and end up regretting it?
I’m gonna pull out my goddamn hair!
