empty spaces
December 5, 2006
I’m such an idiot sometimes.
I know I’m far from stupid, but these situations where I let my emotions control the things I do make me feel that way. Maybe I’m finally learning to think with my head instead of my heart. I guess that’s an important lesson for any woman to learn…especially one like me who seems to always be on a rollercoaster. Not like I try to be. It just happens. And I’m working to change that so I can be happier. Hell, I’m MAKING myself be happy.
There are other things I’m dealing with still. It’s all compounded somehow into this big gray mass that just sits on my chest and makes it hard for me to sleep some nights. I’ve been having the weirdest dreams. I’m always running from something or someone. So, does that mean I’m just avoiding things again? I thought I was dealing…. I’m not sure anymore. I’m still trying to figure it all out.
But see, I know things have to get better. And they ARE better. A hell of a lot better than they were a couple years ago. I was ready to slit my wrists back then, after all…and now that is the farthest thing from my mind. I’m actually planning a future. I HAVE a future, damn it!
Linda and I went to the open mic night at the coffee house earlier. It was very relaxing…just listening to Tommy play the guitar and drifting in and out of daydreams about lord knows what. I think I was a little spacey, because I don’t remember too much. Just reading and then the drive home.
Linda and I talked some more about the “dark years”, as I call them now…which rest someplace between ’02 and ’05.
I still don’t know what happened. I don’t know why we were all so mad at one another. I don’t know where my friendships with these people I loved so much went. I don’t know what any of it means now. I just feel like I have this big empty space in my life… Are we all really so different that all those years we spent together mean nothing? Or am I just lusting after the past like my normal stupid self always does?
Linda’s always telling me about the things that she and Amanda and Daggie do together…and it’s nice to hear about, and I’m so happy for the three of them being so strong and sticking together…but there’s this big knot I get in my stomach just hearing about it all, because I’m not included in there anymore…and maybe I never will be again.
And maybe, like that dog I was talking about earlier…it needs to be put to rest with everything else.
